Grief and Purpose

Several months ago Brian White, a friend and missionary to Uganda, preached at Bethany Place. His text was Matthew 28:16-20. I have read these verses many times, but that time when he read verse 17, something specific grabbed my attention..."When they saw Him, they worshiped Him; but some doubted."
This was THE eleven disciples.
They had been Jesus' closest friends and co-workers. They knew Him.They had walked with Him every day. They were taught by Him, saw Him do miracles, and been miraculously fed by Him. They had day to day contact with Him for three years, observed the Passover with Him and were there in the garden with Him. They saw Him be arrested, watched as He carried the cross, saw the Roman soldiers crucify Him and watched Him die.
The disciples lived through this traumatic experience.
They lived through the death of one they had been in a deep relationship with for 3 years.
They lived through the horror of His death.
They experienced the fear of being the next to die.
They experienced the dawning of their own mortality.
They suffered the wave after wave of grief, wondering if the next wave would take them under.
They suffered the stress of wondering what was next.
They were suffering with Post Traumatic stress Disorder. They were in the Fog.


The disciples were physically looking at the resurrected Christ Jesus, and they doubted.


One year ago my husband, our youngest daughter and I went to Kentucky to visit with my Mom, Dad, and my 8 siblings and their families. A couple of days after we left, we received a call that my mom had broken both of her legs and was in the hospital. About a week later, my husband took a call from one of my brothers who told us that my mom was in the Emergency Room. She had stopped breathing but was now on a ventilator. She was in critical condition. It was late in the evening so we waited. The next morning we were told that she had improved a little. Gene and I decided that I needed to go to Kentucky to be with my family and see my mom. The next week is is somewhat of a blur. I drove back to Kentucky with my then six year old daughter, making plans for her to stay with her aunts while I was with my mom. By the second day that I was there, Mom had been taken off the ventilator and was able to speak a little with us. I had the opportunity to pray with her, sing to her, read the Bible to her and tell her that I loved her.
Though she seemed to improve some, on Thursday, July 10, my mom left us to go see Jesus face to face. My Dad, sisters, brothers and their wives, a couple of nieces and nephews were all in the room. We all watched as they turned off the machines. With my Dad's permission, I prayed with my family, hugged and kissed my mom one last time, closed her eyes and then left the room. One at a time my family members said good-bye then left the room. Since Gene was still in route to Kentucky, I walked out of the hospital to a small gazebo and fell apart. No words, just a mountain of grief pouring out. Over time the grief slowed to a drizzle, and still is seeping out.
It is traumatizing to have someone that you love die. It doesn't really matter whether the relationship was good or bad, it still brings grief.
Now like the disciples, I was overcome with grief. My mind could not process. I felt wave after wave of grief not sure that the next wave wouldn't take me under. I felt numb yet in a kind of pain that I never experienced previously. I simply could not wrap my mind around anything.
Some reading this have experienced this kind of grief, Some may be walking through it now.
Let's go back to the scripture in Matthew:
" The 11 disciples traveled to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had directed them. When they saw Him, they worshiped, but some doubted. Then Jesus came near and said to them, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe everything I have commanded you. And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”
This was not the first time that Jesus had appeared to them. It says in John chapter 20 that Jesus appeared to Mary Magdalene, his disciples, Thomas and the disciples,and in verse 30 of John 20 it says, "Now Jesus did many other signs in the presence of the disciples, which are not recorded in this book;..."

Jesus knew the fog and mind-numbing effects of grief. He also knew the sense of confusion, the "I can't wrap my mind around this." Jesus knew. Notice that Jesus did not say to them, "Get it together, stop wandering around, get over it."

He simply gave them purpose.

In those last verses of Matthew 28 Jesus was telling them, "I know that you have been through a lot. I know your pain and confusion. I see your fear. But guys, I have a purpose for everything that you have gone through. I have a purpose for your life! You are still going to have times of the waves of grief. You are still going to relive the trauma of watching me die, BUT I have a plan for you. And your testimony about me is going to change your world and the entire world forever. So be about living your lives with this mission. Go. Preach, teach and tell everyone you come in relationship with what you have seen and heard. Go and know that I AM with you always, to the very end."

We have a purpose. Our lives and joys and pain have a purpose for the sake of Christ. 

As we go about our lives, we are to tell the story of our joy, our pain and our grief, how Jesus still has a purpose for our lives. And even in the midst of our deepest pain... Go, tell, and change our world for Jesus Christ, knowing that He is with us to the very end.

In memory and honor of Betty Barnes, my mom. July 10, 2014.

Life On the Shelf

There are a couple of bowls in my cabinet that Gene and I got as presents when we were married. I use these bowls all the time. They are the perfect size for mixing, serving, storing, or whatever else I need. Here’s the thing… these bowls are old. They are an odd color of yellow with green designs. They are dated. Every once and a while one of my children tell me that it is time to get some new bowls, but  I like these bowls a lot. It would actually never occur to me to NOT use them.  Old and a bit ugly aside, they are still as useful now as when they were given to us.

I am going to be painfully honest now. (This would be a great time to stop reading if you can’t handle bare honesty.) I feel very much like my bowls lately. Old and a bit ugly, put on the shelf because it seems that my usefulness isn’t needed. (I did warn you.) I am constantly questioning my own motives. I want, more than I can express to be useful in the kingdom of God and the ministry of my church. There are things that I feel great passion for in ministry.  I am not one given to breaking into tears, but get me talking about the things that I am most passionate about and I can cry a bucket full in no time at all.

But what happens when your gifts are not needed. What happens when your usefulness is questioned. What happens when you are put on the shelf. Trust me when I tell you that I know all the right answers. We have been in ministry for close to 30 years. I recognize the seasons of ministry. The seasons of life.  However, I am coming to see that perhaps we as the church have acquiesced to our culture in ways that we should never allow.  Old and a bit ugly does not equal useless. Out of date does not mean ready for the retirement home or trash bin.

I have always believed and lived out, “If there is a job that needs to be done, don’t wait for someone else to do it. Don’t call the janitor if there is a spill, clean it up.” There are some things that I do because they need to be done. I know how to do them.  I might even be good at those jobs. But these things are not the tasks that I have a Spirit-filled passion. I will continue to do whatever is needed but I need to be deeply immersed in ministry that God has granted me passion to be involved in. It gives me fire to sustain the jobs that I may not feel a great passion to do.

As the wife of a pastor I have learned to keep silent about most things to preserve the unity of the body. I hold that as one of my highest priorities. I am taking a chance of being misunderstood for expressing my grief. My reasoning for this post is that if I feel this way, there must be others in the Body who feel the same. Maybe some aren’t feeling old and a bit ugly, maybe it is more scarred and broken, or too young and inexperienced, or whatever condition you are in. I pray that the church will be looking for people that are passionate about the Gospel, passionate about ministry, but have been delegated to shelf duty. We need these folks more than ever.  And those on the shelf need to be active again.

Or… it could be that I am guilty of “thinking too highly of myself.” And if that is so, maybe a little more time on the shelf is what is needed.



“ For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.” Romans 12:3-8


I would love to hear your thoughts,


Kat

Glory Revealed

I wrote this several months ago. As I have been reminded in the past few weeks that my life is not my own and that God is in control of both life and death, I am posting this. AND holding on to Romans 8: 18.


This time of year has caught my attention. It is an anniversary of sorts. It was about 17 1/2 years ago that I had a head injury. Some of you are probably thinking, "Well, that explains a lot!"

Actually, it does explain many things about me. Let me go back to bring light to the present.

It is difficult to explain or even for me to completely understand how the way I grew up effected the way I thought about myself, the way I thought about other people and the way that I thought about God. The reality is that although I grew up in poverty and prejudice, I really grew up in my own world. My life was certainly affected by these things, but I never realized until later that these things had birthed and even greater evil in me. Pride.
Coming from poverty I believed that if you worked hard enough poverty could be defeated. And so I worked. I became the first in my family to go to college, with the exception of one semester that my dad completed. To my knowledge, I am the first for generations to graduate from college.  Very subtly pride grew in me.
As I have grown older I have found that given the smallest encouragement pride will grow. I also know from The Word of God that pride is a deal-breaker for really knowing God. So as I have grown in my faith, as I long more and more to intimately know God and grow in that relationship, I must, at every opportunity, be purged of the evil of my own pride.
So it was 17 1/2 years ago that I had the head injury. While I won't go into the details of that injury let me just acknowledge that it was my own fault, no one to blame but myself. This injury has caused years of pain. Most days I have a headache. No pity necessary, just explaining my life. I have learned to deal with the pain that I experience. But some days are worse than others. Some days are excruciating. However, I have learned so much  from the experience of my circumstance.

 A couple of these lessons are:
1. Pride and constant pain cannot live together.
Because of the pain I live with, I understand that there is nothing that I can do to help myself or anyone else.Without the power of the Holy Spirit in me I wouldn't get out of bed, but only because God chooses to use me do I have purpose and meaning.

2. My life is not my own.
I don't get to determine what my day will be like. It may be fine, normal, ordinary. Or it may be one struggle after another. It may be filled with joy. It may be filled with grief. I cannot count on my circumstances to dictate the way I live. Only by allowing Jesus Christ to be foundation do I get to live a life that is not on a constant pendulum.

3.. There is a holy purpose for everything.
I can say without a doubt that I am a completely different person because of the pain I experience. God has taken what was a "not good" event and used it to make me more compassionate to those who hurt. I can grieve with those who experience loss. I can rejoice with those who experience small, seemingly insignificant victories. I live those things.

 I was once ask if I had the ability to go back and change the event of my injury, would I do it? That is a very difficult question. Would I trade the early days of pain, confusion, questioning, grief, loss,and tears that have grown me into who I am today? Would I trade the daily challenge to get out of bed and live a life that is full of joy and thankfulness. I doubt that I would, but I am very glad that it is not my decision to make because I know that God has used my pain to change me. He has used my pain to help me see people differently. He has used my pain to mature me.

So the only answer that makes any sense to me is this:
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."
Romans 8:18

For whatever circumstance you are in today, I hope that my story has encouraged you. I would love to hear how God is using the challenges in your life to reveal His glory.

Strength Training: 1 John 2:3

Strength Training Verse


1 John 2:3


" And by this we know that we have come to know him, if we keep his commandments."


This is one of those days that we all experience at one time or another. I feel as if I have nothing to offer. No words of encouragement or great insight to give. But even as I write these words I realize that this is the best place to be when looking deeply into God's word.


Thinking about 1 John 2:3 reminds me that our assurance that we belong to God flows from evidence of growing obedience. But while studying the verse a seemingly unrelated command came to my mind. "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18.


We call these our Strength Training verses for a good reason. It's not because we are already strong on our own, but because we can only develop spiritual strength through internalizing God's word. It's when we acknowledge our weakness that we are in a position to receive God's strength. As Paul reported in 1 Corinthians 12: 9-10:


"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."


So in the spirit of these passages, I offer this prayer.


"Dear Almighty God, Maker of heaven and earth, Maker of every person, You know every detail of our lives. You know our weaknesses, our pain, our grief, and our joy. You have designed us for abundant life filled with praise and worship to you. Father, we long to know you more and to be a people who keeps your commands, but we also know that our hearts are prone to wander. I pray for myself and for each person reading that we will be careful to study your Word so that we will hunger to obey your commands. Give us a passion for You so that not only will we know that we belong to You, but that the world will know that we are your people. In Jesus' name and for His glory. Amen"

Red Eyes and Drippy Noses

I had a sweet friend send this picture to me last week. I so appreciated her insight into the path that grief takes. It is a long and winding road that takes turns that you don't expect. 

I am humbled that so many people have voiced the same sentiments. 

However, yesterday I was asked how I was doing. To which I replied, "Not good." I always assume that if someone cares enough to ask they want the truth when I answer. To my amazement this person then said, "Aren't you about over this yet." When I was able to speak again I simply said, "No. No I am not." 

My Mom went to be with Jesus a week and a half ago and I am not even beginning to get over it. I am not getting over that I no longer can call and hear her voice on the phone. I am not getting over that for as long as I am on this earth I will not see her again. I am not even a little bit over seeing my Dad grieve over the woman that he loved and was married to for 58 years. I am not over seeing my 6 brothers and two sisters weeping. I am not over seeing grandchildren and great-grandchildren crying for their grandmother. I am also very sure that I may never get over watching my Mom take her last breath, watching the doctor come in and pronounce her death. I am not over leaving my Daddy, driving out of the driveway and hearing ask me to come back soon. 

I know that people say and do things when they are uncomfortable that they really don't mean. I understand. I wish that we all could know and say the right thing at the right time. But there will always be times when we leave a conversation wishing we could just pull a blanket over our heads and hide for a millennium or so. 

Perhaps the best thing to do in situations like this is to...
Weep with those who weep.
Celebrate with those who celebrate. 
And in times when a follower of Christ goes home, to realize that from one moment to the next, for family and friends the two emotions can and do exist together. 

I am celebrating my mom's homecoming but I am also grieving. 

I have had several people from my church say these things to me as they try keep from crying:
"My mother died 50 years ago and I still miss her." 
"My mom went to heaven in 1997, I still cry."
"My dad has been with Jesus for 20 years and I sometimes still find myself going to the phone to call before I remember." 
"My parents passed away years ago and very few days go by that I don't think of them and feel that pain."

These are the things that are salve to my heartache. 

I don't know when this will get easier. Please be patient with me. Please share your grief with me. We can cry together and then laugh with each other at our red eyes and drippy noses. 

Tonight I Mourn

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,...

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance..."  Ecclesiates3:1,2a,4

Yesterday my Mom went home to be with Jesus. 

After years of pain Mom is now in the presence of God laughing and dancing in the streets of Heaven. I am so happy for her. 

But tonight I am weeping and mourning. In the past few hours the things that have caught me off guard and turn me into a torrent of pain and tears have been things that I didn't see coming... 

Calling my parents home phone number and looking down to see the caller ID scream at me... Mom

To see a gift that had been lost in the busyness of the holidays with a tag that had my mom's handwriting, To Kat Love Mom and Dad...

To walk in their home to see her chair empty...

Tonight I am a mess. And while I am rejoicing with complete assurance that my Mom is with Jesus, I am also overwhelmed with grief that I will never call that number again and hear my Mom's voice answer. I am weeping that I will never again get another Christmas present with her handwriting. I am grieved that I will never again walk in my parents house to see her sitting at the kitchen table shelling peas. 

Tonight, and likely for many days to come it is my time to weep and mourn, all the while knowing that it is my Mom's time to laugh and dance.

I love you, Mom. And in the blink of an eye I will see you again.

 

Preoccupied

I am so excited about a new ministry that I am involved in. Our church started providing a weekly memory verse for every member and attender. These verses go along with the sermon series that our pastor is preaching. I have been ask to write a devotional each week to go along with the "Strength Training" verse. I am going to be posting the devotionals here so that more people can join with us in "hiding the Word of God in our hearts."

Colossians 3: 1-2 "If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth."

I remember as a young adult being preoccupied with some pretty shallow things. One house we lived in while in seminary had no curtains. That was a great source of concern for me. We were living north of Dallas, Texas and Gene was driving back and forth to Fort Worth. He would stay overnight a couple of times a week for classes, and I was at home with a new baby. We barely had enough money to pay our rent and utilities and we lived on peanut butter and jelly. There were days when Gene was in Fort Worth that I would lay on the couch with blankets completely covering both me and Will simply because we couldn't afford to turn the heat up. Still, I was upset that there were windows everywhere in that house with no curtains. This seems incredibly silly to me now.

There are many times when we as followers of Christ Jesus get our focus on things that are temporary and of no real value. These verses remind us to "seek" the things that are above, to "set" our minds on things that are above so that we don't become caught up in things that really won't matter a year, five years, or ten years from now. Our minds need to be "set" or focused on the things that will be of significance when we stand before Jesus Christ and give an answer for how we lived while on earth. The only possible way that we can accomplish this is by continually immersing ourselves in scripture and as the psalmist advises, "hiding it in our hearts."