This was THE eleven disciples.
They had been Jesus' closest friends and co-workers. They knew Him.They had walked with Him every day. They were taught by Him, saw Him do miracles, and been miraculously fed by Him. They had day to day contact with Him for three years, observed the Passover with Him and were there in the garden with Him. They saw Him be arrested, watched as He carried the cross, saw the Roman soldiers crucify Him and watched Him die.
The disciples lived through this traumatic experience.
They lived through the death of one they had been in a deep relationship with for 3 years.
They lived through the horror of His death.
They experienced the fear of being the next to die.
They experienced the dawning of their own mortality.
They suffered the wave after wave of grief, wondering if the next wave would take them under.
They suffered the stress of wondering what was next.
They were suffering with Post Traumatic stress Disorder. They were in the Fog.
The disciples were physically looking at the resurrected Christ Jesus, and they doubted.
One year ago my husband, our youngest daughter and I went to Kentucky to visit with my Mom, Dad, and my 8 siblings and their families. A couple of days after we left, we received a call that my mom had broken both of her legs and was in the hospital. About a week later, my husband took a call from one of my brothers who told us that my mom was in the Emergency Room. She had stopped breathing but was now on a ventilator. She was in critical condition. It was late in the evening so we waited. The next morning we were told that she had improved a little. Gene and I decided that I needed to go to Kentucky to be with my family and see my mom. The next week is is somewhat of a blur. I drove back to Kentucky with my then six year old daughter, making plans for her to stay with her aunts while I was with my mom. By the second day that I was there, Mom had been taken off the ventilator and was able to speak a little with us. I had the opportunity to pray with her, sing to her, read the Bible to her and tell her that I loved her.
Though she seemed to improve some, on Thursday, July 10, my mom left us to go see Jesus face to face. My Dad, sisters, brothers and their wives, a couple of nieces and nephews were all in the room. We all watched as they turned off the machines. With my Dad's permission, I prayed with my family, hugged and kissed my mom one last time, closed her eyes and then left the room. One at a time my family members said good-bye then left the room. Since Gene was still in route to Kentucky, I walked out of the hospital to a small gazebo and fell apart. No words, just a mountain of grief pouring out. Over time the grief slowed to a drizzle, and still is seeping out.
It is traumatizing to have someone that you love die. It doesn't really matter whether the relationship was good or bad, it still brings grief.
Now like the disciples, I was overcome with grief. My mind could not process. I felt wave after wave of grief not sure that the next wave wouldn't take me under. I felt numb yet in a kind of pain that I never experienced previously. I simply could not wrap my mind around anything.
Some reading this have experienced this kind of grief, Some may be walking through it now.
Let's go back to the scripture in Matthew:
" The 11 disciples traveled to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had directed them. When they saw Him, they worshiped, but some doubted. Then Jesus came near and said to them, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe everything I have commanded you. And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”
This was not the first time that Jesus had appeared to them. It says in John chapter 20 that Jesus appeared to Mary Magdalene, his disciples, Thomas and the disciples,and in verse 30 of John 20 it says, "Now Jesus did many other signs in the presence of the disciples, which are not recorded in this book;..."
Jesus knew the fog and mind-numbing effects of grief. He also knew the sense of confusion, the "I can't wrap my mind around this." Jesus knew. Notice that Jesus did not say to them, "Get it together, stop wandering around, get over it."
He simply gave them purpose.
In those last verses of Matthew 28 Jesus was telling them, "I know that you have been through a lot. I know your pain and confusion. I see your fear. But guys, I have a purpose for everything that you have gone through. I have a purpose for your life! You are still going to have times of the waves of grief. You are still going to relive the trauma of watching me die, BUT I have a plan for you. And your testimony about me is going to change your world and the entire world forever. So be about living your lives with this mission. Go. Preach, teach and tell everyone you come in relationship with what you have seen and heard. Go and know that I AM with you always, to the very end."
We have a purpose. Our lives and joys and pain have a purpose for the sake of Christ.
As we go about our lives, we are to tell the story of our joy, our pain and our grief, how Jesus still has a purpose for our lives. And even in the midst of our deepest pain... Go, tell, and change our world for Jesus Christ, knowing that He is with us to the very end.
In memory and honor of Betty Barnes, my mom. July 10, 2014.
